I didn’t really feel well enough for any birthday-palooza time anyway, since the second attempt at beta blocker fun was just as spectacularly unsuccessful as the first. All the things I hated about the first round of bb’s came back in full force, and I became Lazy Mom again. I prefer to think of her as Semi-Conscious Mom or Drugged-Out-of-Her-Mind Mom, but the kids are adamant it’s a tie between Lazy Mom and Loses-Everything-Even-The-Stuff-In-Her-Own-Hand Mom. So after two weeks of woozy/exhausted/mental fog/nausea, Dr. R took me back off the bb’s and declared me intolerant… for now.
Everything gets a “for now” stamp when your whole life plan gets reviewed by Mayo Clinic, but that just adds to the overall fun… insert sarcasm.
I’ve been off the bb’s for a few weeks and finally my blood pressure has started to rebounded to less coma-like levels. Apparently my body did know what it was doing for once and was in protest/hissy fit directly following beta blocker-round 2. And in its zeal to offer a never ending landscape of physical ailment experiences while I waited for my blood pressure to course correct, my body offered up an unexpected round of vertigo and the on-set of trigger finger. I thought Dr. R was pulling my leg at first, but apparently trigger finger is real and not some John Wayne movie term.
Add two new ones for the ever-expanding ailment list and the knowledge that sometimes staying upright on a stool can actually be quite a challenge.
I sent off more blood to Mayo again which always feels like a vampire extravaganza. It is nerve-racking to MAIL my hard-earned blood in a square igloo with dry ice, hoping the timing works out so I don’t end up having to repeat the process any sooner than necessary. Hopefully after this round of labs Mayo may decide they don’t have to see me first thing in January. Jesse and I thought March was less miserably cold in Minnesota, so we are hoping to postpone a bit past the first of the year.
This fall Jesse and I are also reassessing everything. Last year was all about reacting to my ever-changing health status at a sprint-like pace, and as we’ve been told over and over that isn’t going to change from here on out, it’s just going to become our new normal. We will have to learn to live with a new level of anxiety/uncertainty that previously would have been unknown to us. Bottom line: Life changes and you have to move forward eventually. So we have been talking about what that means for us and listening hard to the kids when they talk. They too are trying to adjust and we see the uncertainty slipping into their previously confident attitudes, and that is a GAME CHANGER.
Fortunately before I went too far into a shame spiral, I went to a prayer group last week that I had been trying to get to for a YEAR with no success and walked away reminded how fortunate I am to have the husband and family support I have around me. I’d been trying to confront guilt and regrets for all the friends I wish I could help or the things I seem to always be saying no to these days, but instead came home more confident that now is the time to be selfish. The whole week seemed to be full of others calling me strong and noting my strength, and when you don’t feel strong, when you feel as weak as you’ve ever known yourself to be, it is hard to absorb those words. So I looked up the definitions of both and decided maybe I am strong, or in my mind just Eastman stubborn, but at least I can work with that last one.
I’ve learned to focus on what matters to me, and nothing matters more than my children, our family. Family is what picks you up when you fall, holds your hand when you get scared in the dark, or carries your bag when it gets heavy, and we are rich in family—the genetic and the honorary kinds. So instead of saying no all the time, I have to remind myself I say yes just as often. I have been angry and frustrated at feeling like I never find any traction, but then I look at the next Mayo igloo stalking me in the dining room, waiting its vampire turn, or remember having to sit down in the middle of Target because it was that or fall down, and remind myself our path just doesn’t look like anyone else’s right now. My yeses have more power because there are less to go around.
And I gain strength from my safety net. I have no doubt or fear of being caught, if it comes down to it. I may not like needing to operate with a net, but it’s there regardless. So me and the safety net went for a walk on Sunday, a 5K for breast cancer. It wasn’t for me obviously, but in a way it was. Everyone wore pink and our family cheered me on as I walked up and down the hills of downtown. It wasn’t expected of me, since I had a chair in the tent, but I didn’t want to not try. We were toward the back of the crowd, but I didn’t black out or need to sit down or even stop to rest. My Eastman stubborn kicked in and I wanted to do it, for me, for us. Tristan even noted I was not the VERY last person to finish, so I felt like I won back some strength Sunday, even if it was only in my children’s eyes.
It was a good day to wear pink.
